He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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