Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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