beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
