i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
