what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
