also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
