i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
