And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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