My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
