I can text with my tongue
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
