I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Randomize
