i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
