I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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