He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
