Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
