life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
