grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
