upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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