TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
