he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
