OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
