so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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