I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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