first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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