It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
