Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
