It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
