I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
