just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
