Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
