8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Girls should come with a carfax report
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
