Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
