Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
