Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
