Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
well you can't waste a boner
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
