i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
