You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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