I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
