so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
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