Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
