my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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