Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
