If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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