I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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