Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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