dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
