theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
