For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
