Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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