How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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