Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
