My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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