i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
