Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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