When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
