She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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