Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
