There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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