I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
