Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
