I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
