Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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